Okay (nod your head),
Dear,
I am pretending that I am doing my best.
and.
And?
I don’t want to speak to you. anymore.
Slowly.
—-
The water currents, drying against the roots and crinkling into the cracked muds. I have begun to feel. Waving up my dress, carrying me out of the bank.
And? Gertrude swinging a leg, dipping a toe, begging me to pull her in.
I don’t want to speak.
THE FEELINGS OF YOUR HEART
I’ve waited days. The flowers you left sit still in the sink. They are yours, still.
Good night.
I DON’T WANT ANYTHING, ANYMORE
Why, because,
you hurt me.
Why do you hurt me.
Because,
Because,
(Because, because X INFINITY!)
(because, I am not enough for your awful, fucking heart.)
Because, I’m not hurting you.
Because, you want me to.
Because, I want you.
Hearts are not heads.
Stars are not beetles.
Lovers are not Friends. anymore.
I see us, and, it doesn’t feel real.
I see us, and, you speak and I don’t want you to speak.
I see us, and, I don’t want you to want me.
The woman holds me close and she’s brushing through my hair, and I cannot say anything true, so I cry instead and dream really hard,
What do you want, she asks me, and I tell her that I want to be able to cry about myself again.
If I can write it down,
anything is worth its length. I don’t want anything that isn’t real. Can’t you listen to me and hear only that?
You’re looking around at everyone. But, I can’t stop staring. The dead flowers are still sitting in the sink. They are still yours and you have let them wait.
I don’t want to speak to chasing
to beautiful the hurt
to pretty die
to stood alone
If I can write it down,
I can’t describe to you how happy Gertrude makes me. I can’t imagine what it is. But, I must love her like I’ve loved no one else.
It all took so much time. By the time I was done with him, the trees had grown past the sun at dusk.
Z
If I can write it down,
I’m sick.
Of desires I've fed
Of you not hearing me
Of you reaching into me and asking if it is me
Of being told nothing I see can be
To reach into me and to tell me it is not me.
To ask you to keep abusing me.
I can write it down.
I don’t want you to want me.
I no longer care that it’s not fair that you move on.
Here are all of the things you want.
I don’t think you understand.
I don’t want you to love me anymore.
I don’t want your love. I don’t like your love.
You hurt. You hurt. You hurt.
I remember when I was deep in the water and I lost my apparatus. I only knew to look up and to go up and I tried to so quickly despite how it would kill. I tried to so quickly and I thought I would die. I inflated my air and was looking up towards that swirling-glisten light. Faster, Faster, not fast enough. I felt The man pulling me down. But, I thought nothing except I may die and I want him to let me go. The water was inside me, already in. Sixty feet down. It felt deeper, the closer I got--that light getting further and further away from what was really there.
I couldn’t understand why what was here confused me so much. I know everything I need to know, yet I turn to you and I am nothing.
